


fifty shades of blue

by lazyfish



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friends With Benefits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:03:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15674883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazyfish/pseuds/lazyfish
Summary: Sinara reflects on the perilous nature of her relationship with Kasius.





	fifty shades of blue

There are three colors in Kasius’s bedroom: white, gold, and chrome. Everything is pure, everything is pristine, everything is spotless.

It’s almost funny, Sinara thinks, that he would want to touch her. He’s so obsessed with purity, and she - she is not pure by any stretch of the word. He knows this, because so much of the blood on her hands would have been on his. He knows her sins, just as she knows his. But she doesn’t care for either of their transgressions; it was what had to be done. Neither of them need to be saints.

The lights are on when she walks into the room, reflecting off the various glittering surfaces. She doesn’t react to that, even though the lighting is against the rules.

Lights off, they had agreed. Seeing each other’s faces made it more real. They’re not in love (that’s what she tells herself, at least) and to expose themselves - literally - meant to expose weaknesses. That was not what Sinara did. She was not weak; she was a warrior. She wonders if the slip-up was intentional, if he’s going soft. She hopes not. As much as she hates to admit it, Sinara likes this arrangement, and she’d hate for it to end over something like sentimentality.

She puts her palm against the sensor by the door, and the lights slowly dim until the room is nothing but shadows. Kasius doesn’t protest the change, which doesn’t really mean anything. Leaving the lights on could have been an accident, or it could have been purposeful, but he has the intelligence to keep his mouth shut.

It’s probably the former; Kasius very rarely keeps his mouth shut. It’s exhausting, except for -

She’s glad for the darkness, because it doesn’t show the way her skin tinges darker blue at her own thoughts. It’s ridiculous, she thinks, to be prude-ish when she is only here to fuck and be fucked, but… she’d rather not associate something Kasius does so often (talk) with her own pleasure. The mind could do dangerous things when it wanted to.

Sinara knew her position as Kasius’s second was not likely to change, no matter what else happens between them. There’s no one else he trusts to protect him, so even if this ends poorly, he can’t be fully rid of her. That’s why she’s trying so hard to follow the rules to the letter.

She slides into the bed next to him, and his hands automatically begin tugging at the zipper of her dress. She responds by sliding his vest off of him, waiting for him to raise his arms over his head before divesting him of his shirt as well. He takes off his pants while she peels off her underclothing, until they’re left naked, with piles of fabric strewn haphazardly on the floor.

From then on, it’s a slow descent into - not ecstasy, but certainly pleasure. Kasius’s hands are softer than hers, and warmer too; perks of being a bureaucrat, not a soldier. When Sinara skims her fingers across his cheeks, she finds that he’s still wearing makeup. It’s going to look silly when she leaves his room, for her fingers to be streaked with the chalky pale blue that Kasius uses around his eyes. It’s the only way he’s allowed to mark her - another one of their rules - so he leaves his makeup on as often as he can.

Sinara swallows her sounds, but Kasius doesn’t muffle his. Her name falls off his lips like a prayer, and she suppresses the spike of disgust in her stomach. She is not a goddess to be prayed to, least of all not in a bed. She is not a goddess, nor a saint. She is not the blue angel that the Terrans of old whisper stories about. She doesn’t even think she’s a devil. She just _is_ , and sex should not change what she is.

The finish is not frantic, it never is; it’s simply the natural end to the course of things. Does it feel good? Yes, it certainly does, but at the same time, Sinara wonders if seeking something dangerous just because it is also pleasurable is wise. She had always considered herself tactical, if not traditionally intelligent, and the harder she looks at this arrangement, the less tactical it seems.

The only thing that would be worse would be if she was in love with him (which, she repeats for not the first time this hour, she’s assuredly not).

Sinara puts on her clothes in a ruthlessly efficient manner. Kasius had told her once that the only time he has not seen her ruthlessly efficient is during their trysts. She wonders if he sees her at all, or is blinded by his own feelings. It’s just sex, and it almost feels cruel to allow him to believe that he is special, or that things are different between them because they share that connection. Normally she doesn’t mind cruelty, but this time, it gives her pause.

There are so many things she could tell him, about her or him or the dreaded _them_ , but Sinara keeps quiet as she strides towards the door. She turns the lights on behind her, if only to say she left the place the way she found it.

She can feel Kasius’s eyes on her as she steps through the entryway. She tries not to think about it, about him watching her.

Sinara is in her own bed ten minutes later. The makeup is gone from her hands, but the ache in her muscles stays.

She’s not one for poetry, but a poet may have said that Kasius lingered on her. (This makes her even more glad she’s not one for poetry.)

The ceiling above her taunts her as she stares upwards. She can’t spend any longer thinking about Kasius. She doesn’t know why, exactly, she’s avoiding the subject of him in her own mind, but it seems important that she can continues to do so.

It seems important to remember that she does not love him.

**Author's Note:**

> Um. I really don't know what to say about this? I have no idea how good it is, but damnit I did it.


End file.
